Zoo Chimp: Plan Weapons Stockpile

2009-03-11T09:46:00.001-07:00

What's an alpha-male to do in times like these?

Here's a story about a chimp at a Furuvik Zoo in Sweden who stockpiled rocks and tossed them at people. A report on the chimp appeared in Current Biology, which noted, "the 31-year-old alpha male started building his weapons cache in the morning...he waited around until midday before he unleashed a 'hailstorm' of rocks against visitors." This behavior shows that apes consider the future in a very complex way, including simulations of potential events.

I have longed to be as bold as this chimp. As an alpha-male myself, I have frequently gathered sticks, small pebbles, bits of mud. I've fiddled around the front of my house, dreaming of the moment when I could wheel and yell, "Get off my lawn!" while tossing these objects, revenge for my decimated retirement plan. Alas, I've never had the courage. But now...this chimp...

This story made me think on a larger scale: a monkey throwing an infinite number of rocks, for an infinite amount of time, could surely produce something better than Alan Greenspan's economic philosophy. They separate them for good reason. What if disgruntled chimps united? Imagine: an infinite number of monkeys, throwing rocks... If that chimp can get up, and throw rocks, we call can get up. It'll be anarchy!

In these tough economic times, a good 'weapons cache' could make a huge difference. Combine that with a friend's remote bunker, and you've got a solid plan to survive the financial apocalypse. Stockpiling = always smart. On top of a consistent flow of negative economic news, the Rev. Dan Wilkerson has recently issued a warning about an "earth shattering calamity" and predicts the coming of fires, riots, looting, as God's judgment on the world. The faithful need not worry, but Wilkerson suggests they stockpile 30 days worth of canned goods.

So, there you have it. It's as smile as stockpiling and throwing.

Recession Survival Guide

Zoo Chimp: Plan Weapons Stockpile